Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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