I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
