I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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