just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
