I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The adults are the big ones right?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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