I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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