Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
