He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
