well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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