hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
