I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
