He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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