last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
