im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
