i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
