Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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