I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
