I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
