he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
