oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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