i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
