i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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