Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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