Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
