I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
