just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
