if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
