it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
