He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
