i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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