She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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