quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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