If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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