dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
