Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
