Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
