grandma shit on top of the toilet
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Drunk is a universal language darling
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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