if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
