Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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