So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
