Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
