all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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