Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
