A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
