areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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