she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
