Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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