My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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