hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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