alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
