I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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