i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
