Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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