i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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