You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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