Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
