Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
