Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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