The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
