my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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