i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
